katarasa

It's been a month since I came here. I thought I wanted to go out this morning, but it feels so heavy. I do have something to buy, but I don't know why I don't want to go out. I just want to stay inside, not doing anything. Me in my 20s would laugh at me looking like this. During that time, I was rarely at home. I was always outside with friends, playing music, working, hang around with them. Sometimes, until midnight. The truth is, I want to go outside to see people, and maybe people will see me. Maybe I found the doctor as well. I still think about the doctor. I wrote something about us, too. I thought I wanted to explore and expand it to a whole novel, but I lack creativity to continue. It's just all in my head.

  Reading about love on reddit is heartbreaking. Some are encouraging, some are just sarcastic, most are pessimistic about finding love, just like me. I'm in my 30s and I feel terrible. I love being single, but when I found someone I liked, I wanted to be with him. I made up stories of our relationship in my head because truthfully, that's the only way I could do to suppress my feelings. Also, my life isn't like those stories in novels or chicken soup for the soul's books where miracles happened as you flipped on to the next page. I have accepted my fate, even though at times, I feel bitter about it. I would start to think what's wrong with me, I started comparing myself with others. Like I said, I never asked to be like this. None of us has. Then I feel angry, and then sadness, and then numb. Then maybe I start to feel good again. I am not perfect, but no one is perfect. I just want some piece of love, real love. Maybe just temporary, one or two days. That would be...

  Never thought I'd have a crush on a doctor I barely knew, except his full name. He's still in my mind. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me a bit happy. I keep repeating the times when I saw him at his clinic. And the cycle continues. No, I definitely have zero chance to have a romantic relationship with him. I definitely sure he's married with another doctor or maybe teacher. I am sure he has children too. I suck with this kind of thing. It's just an infatuation and obsession. He didn't do anything except consulted me. Our eyes locked, that's true. But nothing more. That's why I need to write this. To make myself realize and forget about whatever that I am feeling right now. Because I feel stuck and I need to free myself. Or maybe I should surrender. But I don't know how to surrender. Nothing makes sense. I keep trying to find meanings when it's nothing. It's just empty space. I'd love to think maybe he thinks about me, too. Bu...

  Today I painted my right nails red after so many months. They looked so pretty as I type this post. It's not perfect, but I think it looked good on me. Went to clinic this late morning for Covid test and to meet a doctor. My eye isn't healing, so that's the reason I went there. I once saw this doctor during my first visit. So today, it's the second time. He consulted me about this matter, I may need to see specialist if it doesn't heal. I don't know why I want to talk about this doctor. He is cute. Maybe it's a little crush. After all, it's been a while since I had the same feeling. However, it turned me into a sack of sadness later today. Blasting love songs, crying for no reason, feeling angry at small things. a fucking weirdo. At the moment, I just feel numb and tired. Am I stuck in desperation? I would love to say no but I can't lie to myself. I've been desperate since school, uni until now. I keep my cool so I won't embarrassed myself....

  As I looked into a picture of Norwegian houses, I wonder if the people living there have the best time of their lives, or they feel just the same as I living here in KL. I mean, their houses balconies faces the sea. My balcony faces other blocks. Would they feel bored? Maybe. But would they love their home? I think so. Who doesn't like living in such a beautiful place? The same goes with people who live in islands and tourist attractions. Do they feel bored, too? Guess need to live there to find out. I want to do that. Like in Eat, Pray, Love. Live in a foreign country for a while, then move or come back home. I want to live in Turkey like a month. Then come back, or move on to other countries, like Morocco for another month. Rent a small place, do my work from there and repeat. That would be the best life for me. I also was thinking about going to Saudi Arabia to learn Arabic. The thing that stops me is money. I no longer have full time job, I only do freelance nowadays and I ne...

  I wanted to go out today, but I didn't go out. I am so free and I have no work, yet I struggle to enjoy my time. My head feels dizzy after I woke up this morning, maybe because I was dehydrated. I stared at my closet, then I gave up. I open my laptop and scrolled thru youtube and I did not watch anything. I ended up watching a video about procrastination, but I did not listen until the end. And now it's only 11:33 a.m. Last night, I dreamt of R. It felt so weird. I felt the same way like when I saw him. But it's just a dream that makes me feel fucked up. Yesterday night, I watched The Village. I fell in love with the soundtrack, and turned out Hilary Hahn was the violinist for the music. And today I stared at my violin, thinking I should open and play it, but I did nothing. I wish everything weren't too hard.

  happy owl lol To be honest, I feel so fat right now. My knees hurt randomly. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. I don't know what to do. Maybe I really need to starve myself to lose weight. After I quit, life still hasn't slow down. I accepted translation job since my last week before resignation. I am still doing subtitles this week. I have no complaint, but yes, I feel a bit tired. I haven't told my family that I quit. I am scared to tell them. I don't want them to feel disappointed. I watched Maid on netflix recently and it somehow reminded me of my childhood. Many things happened in my childhood. I only remember the bad ones. Would I change anything during my childhood? Yes. Maybe most of it. I also would pursue music as early as I could. 

  Finally, I sent my resignation notice today. My new supervisor tried hard to make me stay, however whatever he said sounded so wrong and made me glad I quit. The place holds so much memories. If we are going back to the office, I couldn't do it. I might as well leave. I am not happy with my job, too. I do feel horrible and guilty. The supervisor just got in last week and we are only four people in our team. I have a feeling the workload is going to increase, but hopefully they can pull it. To be honest, I don't even care anymore. I don't know am I going to do after this and how to tell my mom. No one knows yet. I hope I am not a disappointment. I am just trying to find happiness like everyone else. How can I find happiness in a sad, angry place, right?

  To be honest I don't really understand about healing. Am I healed? How can I heal myself? Why am I still feeling awful? Is healing just a myth? Do I really need to go to therapy to heal? At some days I feel great, some days I feel terrible. I had an idea just now. I always want to live alone and not bothered with anyone, I have no interest in taking care of people. The reason maybe is because I don't think people can take care of me. I think maybe people are not capable of dealing with me and my emotions. And I don't mind that. I really hate being someone else's burden. However it is sad, too. I live in my imagination a lot. In my mind, I live somewhere outside my country, in a beautiful small apartment with my cats, doing my work from home. I also have someone to take care of me, to kiss me and arguing with me. It's a beautiful place to stay, though it's not real. I imagine a lot, so I don't think I am healed. It's my way to cope with my outer world t...

  I feel so tired, I was so busy with work. But I refuse to sleep, not yet. Because I'll wake up with a horrible azan at the surau near my block and I'll feel like killing everyone. The azan here is horrendous. This morning, the bilal practically screamed his lung out, as if his speaker was broken. As if, the louder he gets, the quicker he'll go to heaven. I hope he'll go to heaven ASAP. If not him, let me die quick. I can't handle this shit anymore. No kidding. (Also, I have nowhere to complain about this. In my mind I wish I could send some letters to them saying YOUR AZAN IS A CALLING TO HELL, NOT TO HEAVEN) My job sucks too. But I've complained enough about it. It does not get better, though. In Malaysia, people don't like to talk about religion, especially Islam. Most of them think one is superior than others, so they can do whatever they can because they think they're right and untouchable. I don't like to talk about it, too. I am a muslim and ...

Not me.  Oh my, I did not write here for many days. Yesterday was Aidiladha. It was suck as always. I actively avoided social media so I didn't feel bad for myself. Not sure why I felt bad, maybe I'd had enough with all this MCOs. I read about backpacking in Turkey, day dreaming about my prince charming and watched Free Solo on Disney Plus. I loved that documentary, made my heart skipped a beat. So, not bad for a sucky day. Also, there was no firecrackers, thank God. This morning I had an epiphany as I cleaned my room. I took out my violin; I was thinking about practicing again because I am having 1 week leave. Then I thought, why I took violin to play? It's not the easiest instrument and I don't have any teacher to teach me much more. I can play, but then I always stop practicing, then I went back to square one. Like a cycle. It's been more than 10 years since I bought my violin (since 2008). Then I thought why do I always choose a hard subject to learn? I learnt G...

  Am I not grateful when I want to quit my job? Am I taking things for granted? I talked about this before, no one wants to be ungrateful. So, no. It's wrong to think like that. Especially towards myself. I listened a lot about self-love. It is not easy.  Nomadland is a lovely movie. I fucking miss road trips, beaches, travelling, airports and flights.

  I would like to think I am lucky. Who wants to think otherwise? No one. No one wants to think their life is boring and uneventful. No one wants to think they have no luck in this world. No one wants to think they have no love, no life. It's our nature to feeling or inclining towards happiness. No one wants to feel terrible every day. So why or how we become miserable? Are we not grateful? What are the things that we missed? Is there anything that we did not see? Why are we so far from our natural state, why can't we find happiness and love? Why are we feeling sad, angry, confused, depressed? I am not sure why I am thinking about this. It is easy to blame oneself for what you feel inside. The same goes with all those ustaz and ustazah. Not enough praying, because you don't get up early morning for tahajud, because you are far from God, because of this and that. Don't they know how hard it is for people like me to continue living every day? Do they think this is what we...

  I feel unhappy. Maybe I am burnout. Maybe I am lonely and missing company. I am busy with work and my online course. I feel guilty for doing nothing because I need to finish my online course. It is a paid course and I am taking my sweet time, so I may lose my money paying it for further months if I don't finish the course quickly. I wish I knew where am I going. Can somebody tell me? Or am I just hungry? Or am I lacking sleep? I don't do things I enjoy anymore. Youtube has nothing new. Although I love travel vlogs, but somehow that makes me feel even worse and sad because I am here stuck in this house, not being able to go anywhere. To be continued.

  It's nice to think someone is waiting for me or if someone is searching for me like some kind of a random romantic drama. But I hate dramas like that and it is not real. I am too tired to think about my job and how much I hate it. I am tired of faking my happiness just because I have monthly salary to support my life and pay my loan. Everything is irritable and I cannot think why I should stay and not quit. I love white noise like rain sound, waves crashing the beach. I miss road trips, travelling so much. I don't know how long I can stay strong.

  The deeper problem that I am having now is control. Right now, I cannot control and solve the problems of my customers. Everything is managed by HQ team. Super slow and irritating. I feel like I have no control. I can't sleep because I cannot solve the problems the customers are having. I dream about this fucking problem. I wake up and think about this shit. This is why I want to quit. My current work is eating me up. But how can I quit? I cannot deal with this anymore. I miss playing music in a band, orchestra. That's what I wanted to be. Serious musician. Maybe playing in an amateur band, that would be enough for me. I am too old to take ABRSM, to study classical music, to go to university. There is a 5 year old somewhere that can even play Paganini, meanwhile my second position sucks. I was not born with choices and privileges. Used to be poor and had to ask my mom for some money to buy my cats' food. Now I have house loan. How am I going to finish paying the loan? I n...

  I have no soul to rant nowadays, even though there's a lot in my mind. Currently I am taking Google data analytics course. I don't know why or where am I going with this course. I am hoping this course will help me with having more freelance work or even a new job. I am suffocating with my current job, feel like I'd rather quit. Yes, I have not quitted yet. I blame myself for continuing my contract. I hope I'll quite before we all go back to office. Also, I am thinking about buying lavender plant for my house. but I am a terrible planter. My mom could help, because at least she has something to take care of, but I am not sure if she's interested. Flower plants can be fragile and Malaysian weather is tropical, which means hotter than your girlfriends. Other issue is my mom is bored and I don't know what to do. But I am bored too, so how can I help? I don't know. Maybe I should buy the plant for her.

  I tried not to listen to sad songs and indulge in hatred on social media. The weather is so hot nowadays, my body sweats and my scalp itches. That's why I tried to avoid anything that makes me feel worse. Also I am regretting my decision to continue my contract. I am pretty lost right now. I stopped sketching, too. I feel fucking terrible about my work. At this moment I wish I could just drop the contract and disappear. I wish I could become hysterical so everyone could leave me alone. I don't know how much strength that I have. I just want an easy life. I am tired of this shit. I need some fucking luck. Where can I get one? How can I get away from all this?

It's been three days since I didn't update anything here. I found a new hobby. Well, not quite new. But somehow I started sketching again and I love it. It makes me forget about time. I still have a long way to be good, and maybe I stop in the middle because I get busy or simply lose interest. But I intend to make this a habit, maybe this is a way for me to start selling online. I am quite certain to hand in my resignation letter this month. I still have my doubt; I don't have new job, no one is calling me for interviews. I am waiting for the end of this month. I already have my letter, just need to change names and date. I don't want to think anymore. I have given myself more than 2 years and I feel worse. I still have my doubt because I don't have other source of income. I have freelance job but it's just few, not enough for me to pay my bills. But I know I always get help whenever I need it. I believe my prayer will be answered. I just need to be brave to acc...

  "I got nothing if I don't have you." -- Whitney Houston I love to think that whenever I remember someone without any reason, it means he or she is remembering me, too. Especially with the person whom I have a stronger emotional connection than others. So far, there is no evidence, but if you think, how do you prove the existence of your emotions and intuition? Tonight, I feel heavier. My mind goes toward this one special man whom I loved. I remember his face, his striking eyes that made my heart pounding like crazy. I loved his hair and his subtle cheeks hiding behind his serious expression. He is married and I moved on, but once in a while, he, or rather my memory of him just came into my mind. I wonder if he had the same thing too. I prayed for him in my sujood. I prayed for his happiness with his wife and family. I am content with myself and the memories of him. He made me feel so alive, so young, so excited, so sad, so angry, so numb, so nervous, so hurtful, so happ...

  Going back to work after more than a week having annual leave is miserable. Every time I take my leave, I always thought of doing something that I love, like practicing my violin, completing my paint-by-number painting that I still haven't started, go jogging outside in the evening, etc. etc. I was also thinking about quitting my job and not renewing my contract. I have been talking about this for a while and it's tiring me up. I am hoping the company would not renew my contract so I don't have to make up 101 reasons for my mom on why I have to quit my job. Nothing is certain, though. I am trying to stop negative thinking, y'know. I am trying to make my mind more open and positive, however it's easier said than done. I think I don't contribute anything towards my job, my resume sucks and no employer wants to at least call me for interview. I just want to do well. I just want to make myself feel proud. I don't hate my life, I just hope I know what to do to ...

  When I was in Form 1 in 1998, there was a program, a cooperation between Japan and Malaysian government where we exchange our students between these countries. So during this year, we welcomed Japanese students and teachers to our school. I still remember we all gathered at our assembly ground, we all were feeling excited about this event. There was no email, WhatsApp or even smartphones with cameras and Internet at that time. But it was joyous. There were some performances and speeches from the teachers and students. But, they did not stay too long. Shortly before noon, we bid them goodbye. Before they left, we went out from our classes, my friends and I rushed towards their way to shake their hands. I was (and still) obsessed with Japan, so this was a happy, memorable moments for me. Then, our teachers played this classic Japanese song, Ue wo Muite Narukou by Kyu Sakamoto. On that day, this song stuck in my head and after I discovered Internet after many years, I went searching...

  I am hungry and tired without reason. I avoid opening my Facebook and Instagram because everyone looks so happy with families and taking pictures together with their pretty clothes, while I sit here feeling numb and confused. Yes, not all people love Eid al-Fitr. I don't. One of the reasons why I want to leave this country. It's one of the most depressing days in a year. I feel awful because I feel this way. I do enjoy Eid at times when I have a good company and conversations, but most of the time I don't have these. I don't really eat, either. Most of the time I wish I were exactly like everyone else; had a happy family, had children and spouse, loved going to other people's houses and welcomed people to my house and get busy with a smile on my face. I bet my mother wishes all these, too. The saddest part is I don't know what to do. This cycle will repeat itself in the next years. This is why I want to leave so badly.

  I am in a dilemma right now. Should I sign up for the coding class? It's not cheap and I am not sure what would I make of it. Can I work with Google after that? Can that boost my resume? I don't know. It is also not easy and I am pretty slow. But it is something new and I like it. Tomorrow is Eidul Fitr for Muslims. But since the Covid case is on the rise, all activities, visits are not allowed, as far as I understand from the announcement. We are not allowed to cross state and districts, making this year a lot more boring. I miss travelling. I miss Oggy so much. My cats are hiding because of the firecrackers' sounds. I still can't figure out if I should sign up for the course. Yesterday I turned 36. That number looks so big. I am grateful, never thought I keep going until today. I tried new things recently, finding ways to get more income, freelancing, because I hope to quit my day job as soon as I can. I still have no idea how or when to quit, though. I feel like wa...

  May everyone who plays firecrackers at night rot in hell for the rest of their afterlife. Pathetic and rude, that's what they are. No brain nor common sense, fucking bastards . I hope they die a horrible death. This is one reason why I want to leave this country. No one cares here. No one gives a damn. I have been busy last week, that's why I haven't updated anything on this blog. Now fasting month is near to its end and Raya will be next week. My birthday too. I want to buy something for myself. But I don't know what should I buy. A watch? New clothes? Makeups? New violin? Air fryer? I also think about taking this one stray cat. But I need to discuss with my mom first. Although I think she will reject. But this cat loves coming here and I can't stand not feeding her. She is skinny and I think she has some issues with its fur. I dreamt of Oggy last week, too. I miss her and my dad very much. I also miss my old cats so much. I never forget them. I still feel guilty...

  Hello dear Oggy, today I miss you again. It's been one month since you left. How is it there? I hope you're having a great time with many friends and tunas. Death is not easy for the living. We stay with the memories, sometimes we feel guilty, sometimes we feel blessed, sometimes we feel sad. No music or books can replace the warmth from the ones we loved. But that is the circle of life. Nothing lasts forever in this world. To be honest, I am not that sad. Just melancholic. There is no use thinking about the past if it makes you feel bad or sad. We live for the present. We should look forward for the future. The love we had won't disappear, it will stay in your heart forever. If we are lucky, if we did good in this life, we get to enter heaven and meet our loved ones again. I always imagine myself living with all my cats  on a vast land in heaven. Undisturbed and happy.

Went iftar with friends last Saturday. It was nice hanging out with people, despite Covid. By the way, covid case is rising and I don't understand why the authority hasn't started serious lockdown again. Then Sunday was my lazy day. Did some reformatting, spent the whole day finishing it, then turned out the vendor had to cancel the job. So, yeah. I spent 10 hours for nothing. Also I think I need to change the time for this blog. I get so sleepy after 10 p.m, nothing much came to mind for me to type it down here. Like now. 2 more weeks before Raya and my birthday. Good night.

  Rachmaninoff is vibe at the moment. Sometimes I wonder why I feel the way I feel, why I recall things. People say nothing is coincident, I think so too. But I always want to know why. Emotion is heavy, like a burden over my head. The reason why I feel like this is I don't know where or how to let it go. People say just ignore, forget about it. But never tell us how. I use this blog for a way to disclose my feeling, to pour out whatever I feel at the moment. Is it working, maybe. I don't know.  My life feels so slow. I don't know how to direct my life. Fucking clueless at the moment.

Lately I've been so sleepy so early. Thinking what to eat for sahur and iftar tomorrow. Also thinking about what I want to write today. Nothing much on the news too. People are sick with this Covid-19, politicians, etc. I don't really care that much. I miss going to trips, though. And I am quite worried about my house in TM. It has been 6 months since I went there. But since that house is in different state, I have to wait for the restriction to be lifted. Hopefully soon. I don't remember much about my dreams too, maybe because I sleep too deeply. Somehow I thought I dreamt of R, therefore I miss him more these days. But he is now an old story. I should go to sleep now.

Sometimes I still hear Oggy's meowing at me. Not scary at all, but that makes me miss her so much. Sometimes I think about having a new kitten, a cat that actually loves cuddling. My two cats don't really cuddle and that makes me miss Oggy more. But I think that's too much for this family. A week in Ramadan, everything went okay. I tried to keep up my solat sunat, tarawih, but at times I feel lazy, like tonight. Very sleepy at the moment, double shot dark mocha from Starbucks didn't really keep me awake. But it's so yummy. Suddenly I recall one of my good friend. I miss her, but I am a bad friend, so I shouldn't bother her anymore. Many of my friends are married now. And I have cats. I am grateful, though. It's really not easy to fake happiness. But what choice do I have? Do I even have a choice? I don't know anymore.

  I have been writing consistently on this blog for a week now. At times I don't feel like writing anything, sometimes I almost forget to write, most of the time I am not in the mood because I have to think what to write. I am not creative, most of what I typed here are just mindless thoughts and emotions that I still feel inside and I could not let it go. I thought maybe this is helping me going through life. Maybe, but I don't feel anything about it. Nothing changes. Maybe it did help without me knowing. I don't know. I miss travelling. I am actually bad at it, as in I feel tired easily, I hate walking for too long, I don't hike like many people, I love good hotels and I don't eat local food. Such a terrible traveller. But new places make me feel excited. I love watching the locals, their cultures, visiting the places I only saw on screen before. Travelling keeps my spirit high, that's why I dream of becoming full-time traveller or backpacker. But like I said,...

Dear Oggy, the white male cat that used to come to our house for food died in front of a neighbour's door, nearby the cat's food bowl the neighbour had put outside their house. God bless whoever the person is, amin. Thus my heart sank deeper. Guilt came rushing like no end. And I hate everyone in this flat. I used to feed this white cat since he was healthy. He also used to fight my cat. He is lovely, I believe he used to be someone's pet but somehow got lost or maybe was thrown out. He's a gentle soul, always lie down in front of our house enjoying the warmth. But then neighbours kept shooing him away. They hated him because he sprayed at their places and also mine, but we didn't mind. I loved him and I used to make sure to feed him almost everyday. And then neighbours complained and I had to stop feeding him and other cats too. So I guess I will carry this guilt for the rest of my life, thanks to my neighbours who are now my enemies. I hope they all burn in hell. ...

 Dear Oggy, today I miss you much more. I found a poor, skinny cat at the back of our flat. I think he's the white cat which used to come to our house. The one I always fed him until someone told me not to and that really broke my heart. (I have terrible neighbours) That skinny cat meowed loud, looked so sick. My heart sank. But fortunately, there was this one person who fed him some dry food. Not ideal, but that's better than nothing. May Allah bless this person, whoever he/she is. Amin. I miss all of my cats and the strays I used to feed. Cats used to be frequent visitors here, but now I don't know where they all go. And most of all, I miss you, Oggy.

 Do I see myself beautiful? Yes, I can say that. Sometimes my face shines, but sometimes I look like a 50 year old granny. Sometimes my curves look sexy, but most of the time I don't like them. Do I want to make myself more beautiful? Yes, I do want to make myself more beautiful. However I don't like to starve myself, I don't like using so much money on cosmetics and pretty clothes. My energy is too low today. I love typing my thoughts, but today is not the day. I wonder when was the last time I feel energetic in life.

Dear Oggy, it's the same new day. Nothing changes, it's the 2nd day of Ramadan. I try to listen more khutbah on Youtube, just to fill my time during this blessed month. Sometimes I listen, most of the time I let my mind wanders, like when I attended my classes in the university. At least I try something new. At least I try to fill my time with something good. I hope so. I am also thinking about buying Tesla's stock. Some said it's going to become like Apple, but well, who knows what's going to happen. XRP is doing great, but I think many will sell so the price may drop. My aim is $1000, that's going to take some time. Maybe 2 years, but I don't want to work that long. Or maybe it won't even reach $100, but I don't want to think too much. I already have so many things on my mind. I miss you, Oggy. It's hard to feel warm and happy again. Nothing seems right, my mood swings easily. I pity my family and I love them too, but I wish I stay far from the...

 Today is the 1st Ramadan. There was quite a storm this evening and everything went chaos at the bazaar. The bazaar is allowed to open now after a year hiatus because of Covid 19. To be honest I am quite sleepy now. My team had a meeting because one of us is leaving, so our manager seemed desperate to keep us from going, promising us for a permanent position, so on and so forth. I don't know. Or rather, I don't care. Honest to God, I don't want to work there anymore. I don't want to work anywhere, anymore. My life is so lonely, my friends left me because they were laid off. Every day, I feel stressed about this. Am I not grateful? There are so many people searching for jobs that are scarce these days. Yet I have no motivation, I have no care in this world for my job. I have no interest in finding new job, maybe I am burnout, maybe I am tired and lonely. Maybe I need to change something, yet I don't know what, or how. I have no motivation in life, no willpower, no ex...

 Dear Oggy, at the moment, I am thinking of pizza. Learning German is difficult. Just watched Easy German's video on how German people treat themselves. Not sure why I want to learn German, but I just do. Let's see. What do I do to treat myself? I love watching movies in cinema. I love window shopping. I love browsing books in Kinokuniya. I love eating cakes and ice creams. I love doing yoga, though I do not spend much of my time doing it as much as I want to. I love browsing Internet, and I know I should spend less time with it. I love playing my instruments too. But not so much anymore. I love snuggling with my cats, though they don't really enjoy it as much as Oggy. I would love to go out and walk more, but the weather in Malaysia is just so hot. I should do it when the weather is cooler like after rain, or early in the morning. If I move to cooler countries I would walk a lot more, like I did in Japan, but I must wear good shoes. I sometimes buy things I don't need,...

This is Oggy, my baby. I am still grieving for her. Losing her is so painful, like losing the other part of me. I miss her so much, I can't even look at her photos.  I don't cry anymore because I am tired dealing with my feeling. The sadness is still there somewhere inside me, and at night I cry suddenly because everything reminds me of her.  And life doesn't get easier too. And I am too depressed to deal with it. So that's why I am starting this blog again, hoping for some kind souls to understand my inner dialogue that I wish I could express to anyone near but couldn't. So this is a new phase for this blog. And dear Oggy, I love you so much, this blog is for you.