katarasa

  Finally, I sent my resignation notice today. My new supervisor tried hard to make me stay, however whatever he said sounded so wrong and made me glad I quit. The place holds so much memories. If we are going back to the office, I couldn't do it. I might as well leave. I am not happy with my job, too. I do feel horrible and guilty. The supervisor just got in last week and we are only four people in our team. I have a feeling the workload is going to increase, but hopefully they can pull it. To be honest, I don't even care anymore. I don't know am I going to do after this and how to tell my mom. No one knows yet. I hope I am not a disappointment. I am just trying to find happiness like everyone else. How can I find happiness in a sad, angry place, right?

  To be honest I don't really understand about healing. Am I healed? How can I heal myself? Why am I still feeling awful? Is healing just a myth? Do I really need to go to therapy to heal? At some days I feel great, some days I feel terrible. I had an idea just now. I always want to live alone and not bothered with anyone, I have no interest in taking care of people. The reason maybe is because I don't think people can take care of me. I think maybe people are not capable of dealing with me and my emotions. And I don't mind that. I really hate being someone else's burden. However it is sad, too. I live in my imagination a lot. In my mind, I live somewhere outside my country, in a beautiful small apartment with my cats, doing my work from home. I also have someone to take care of me, to kiss me and arguing with me. It's a beautiful place to stay, though it's not real. I imagine a lot, so I don't think I am healed. It's my way to cope with my outer world t...

  I feel so tired, I was so busy with work. But I refuse to sleep, not yet. Because I'll wake up with a horrible azan at the surau near my block and I'll feel like killing everyone. The azan here is horrendous. This morning, the bilal practically screamed his lung out, as if his speaker was broken. As if, the louder he gets, the quicker he'll go to heaven. I hope he'll go to heaven ASAP. If not him, let me die quick. I can't handle this shit anymore. No kidding. (Also, I have nowhere to complain about this. In my mind I wish I could send some letters to them saying YOUR AZAN IS A CALLING TO HELL, NOT TO HEAVEN) My job sucks too. But I've complained enough about it. It does not get better, though. In Malaysia, people don't like to talk about religion, especially Islam. Most of them think one is superior than others, so they can do whatever they can because they think they're right and untouchable. I don't like to talk about it, too. I am a muslim and ...