katarasa

  Hello dear Oggy, today I miss you again. It's been one month since you left. How is it there? I hope you're having a great time with many friends and tunas. Death is not easy for the living. We stay with the memories, sometimes we feel guilty, sometimes we feel blessed, sometimes we feel sad. No music or books can replace the warmth from the ones we loved. But that is the circle of life. Nothing lasts forever in this world. To be honest, I am not that sad. Just melancholic. There is no use thinking about the past if it makes you feel bad or sad. We live for the present. We should look forward for the future. The love we had won't disappear, it will stay in your heart forever. If we are lucky, if we did good in this life, we get to enter heaven and meet our loved ones again. I always imagine myself living with all my cats  on a vast land in heaven. Undisturbed and happy.

Went iftar with friends last Saturday. It was nice hanging out with people, despite Covid. By the way, covid case is rising and I don't understand why the authority hasn't started serious lockdown again. Then Sunday was my lazy day. Did some reformatting, spent the whole day finishing it, then turned out the vendor had to cancel the job. So, yeah. I spent 10 hours for nothing. Also I think I need to change the time for this blog. I get so sleepy after 10 p.m, nothing much came to mind for me to type it down here. Like now. 2 more weeks before Raya and my birthday. Good night.

  Rachmaninoff is vibe at the moment. Sometimes I wonder why I feel the way I feel, why I recall things. People say nothing is coincident, I think so too. But I always want to know why. Emotion is heavy, like a burden over my head. The reason why I feel like this is I don't know where or how to let it go. People say just ignore, forget about it. But never tell us how. I use this blog for a way to disclose my feeling, to pour out whatever I feel at the moment. Is it working, maybe. I don't know.  My life feels so slow. I don't know how to direct my life. Fucking clueless at the moment.

Lately I've been so sleepy so early. Thinking what to eat for sahur and iftar tomorrow. Also thinking about what I want to write today. Nothing much on the news too. People are sick with this Covid-19, politicians, etc. I don't really care that much. I miss going to trips, though. And I am quite worried about my house in TM. It has been 6 months since I went there. But since that house is in different state, I have to wait for the restriction to be lifted. Hopefully soon. I don't remember much about my dreams too, maybe because I sleep too deeply. Somehow I thought I dreamt of R, therefore I miss him more these days. But he is now an old story. I should go to sleep now.

Sometimes I still hear Oggy's meowing at me. Not scary at all, but that makes me miss her so much. Sometimes I think about having a new kitten, a cat that actually loves cuddling. My two cats don't really cuddle and that makes me miss Oggy more. But I think that's too much for this family. A week in Ramadan, everything went okay. I tried to keep up my solat sunat, tarawih, but at times I feel lazy, like tonight. Very sleepy at the moment, double shot dark mocha from Starbucks didn't really keep me awake. But it's so yummy. Suddenly I recall one of my good friend. I miss her, but I am a bad friend, so I shouldn't bother her anymore. Many of my friends are married now. And I have cats. I am grateful, though. It's really not easy to fake happiness. But what choice do I have? Do I even have a choice? I don't know anymore.

  I have been writing consistently on this blog for a week now. At times I don't feel like writing anything, sometimes I almost forget to write, most of the time I am not in the mood because I have to think what to write. I am not creative, most of what I typed here are just mindless thoughts and emotions that I still feel inside and I could not let it go. I thought maybe this is helping me going through life. Maybe, but I don't feel anything about it. Nothing changes. Maybe it did help without me knowing. I don't know. I miss travelling. I am actually bad at it, as in I feel tired easily, I hate walking for too long, I don't hike like many people, I love good hotels and I don't eat local food. Such a terrible traveller. But new places make me feel excited. I love watching the locals, their cultures, visiting the places I only saw on screen before. Travelling keeps my spirit high, that's why I dream of becoming full-time traveller or backpacker. But like I said,...

Dear Oggy, the white male cat that used to come to our house for food died in front of a neighbour's door, nearby the cat's food bowl the neighbour had put outside their house. God bless whoever the person is, amin. Thus my heart sank deeper. Guilt came rushing like no end. And I hate everyone in this flat. I used to feed this white cat since he was healthy. He also used to fight my cat. He is lovely, I believe he used to be someone's pet but somehow got lost or maybe was thrown out. He's a gentle soul, always lie down in front of our house enjoying the warmth. But then neighbours kept shooing him away. They hated him because he sprayed at their places and also mine, but we didn't mind. I loved him and I used to make sure to feed him almost everyday. And then neighbours complained and I had to stop feeding him and other cats too. So I guess I will carry this guilt for the rest of my life, thanks to my neighbours who are now my enemies. I hope they all burn in hell. ...

 Dear Oggy, today I miss you much more. I found a poor, skinny cat at the back of our flat. I think he's the white cat which used to come to our house. The one I always fed him until someone told me not to and that really broke my heart. (I have terrible neighbours) That skinny cat meowed loud, looked so sick. My heart sank. But fortunately, there was this one person who fed him some dry food. Not ideal, but that's better than nothing. May Allah bless this person, whoever he/she is. Amin. I miss all of my cats and the strays I used to feed. Cats used to be frequent visitors here, but now I don't know where they all go. And most of all, I miss you, Oggy.

 Do I see myself beautiful? Yes, I can say that. Sometimes my face shines, but sometimes I look like a 50 year old granny. Sometimes my curves look sexy, but most of the time I don't like them. Do I want to make myself more beautiful? Yes, I do want to make myself more beautiful. However I don't like to starve myself, I don't like using so much money on cosmetics and pretty clothes. My energy is too low today. I love typing my thoughts, but today is not the day. I wonder when was the last time I feel energetic in life.

Dear Oggy, it's the same new day. Nothing changes, it's the 2nd day of Ramadan. I try to listen more khutbah on Youtube, just to fill my time during this blessed month. Sometimes I listen, most of the time I let my mind wanders, like when I attended my classes in the university. At least I try something new. At least I try to fill my time with something good. I hope so. I am also thinking about buying Tesla's stock. Some said it's going to become like Apple, but well, who knows what's going to happen. XRP is doing great, but I think many will sell so the price may drop. My aim is $1000, that's going to take some time. Maybe 2 years, but I don't want to work that long. Or maybe it won't even reach $100, but I don't want to think too much. I already have so many things on my mind. I miss you, Oggy. It's hard to feel warm and happy again. Nothing seems right, my mood swings easily. I pity my family and I love them too, but I wish I stay far from the...

 Today is the 1st Ramadan. There was quite a storm this evening and everything went chaos at the bazaar. The bazaar is allowed to open now after a year hiatus because of Covid 19. To be honest I am quite sleepy now. My team had a meeting because one of us is leaving, so our manager seemed desperate to keep us from going, promising us for a permanent position, so on and so forth. I don't know. Or rather, I don't care. Honest to God, I don't want to work there anymore. I don't want to work anywhere, anymore. My life is so lonely, my friends left me because they were laid off. Every day, I feel stressed about this. Am I not grateful? There are so many people searching for jobs that are scarce these days. Yet I have no motivation, I have no care in this world for my job. I have no interest in finding new job, maybe I am burnout, maybe I am tired and lonely. Maybe I need to change something, yet I don't know what, or how. I have no motivation in life, no willpower, no ex...

 Dear Oggy, at the moment, I am thinking of pizza. Learning German is difficult. Just watched Easy German's video on how German people treat themselves. Not sure why I want to learn German, but I just do. Let's see. What do I do to treat myself? I love watching movies in cinema. I love window shopping. I love browsing books in Kinokuniya. I love eating cakes and ice creams. I love doing yoga, though I do not spend much of my time doing it as much as I want to. I love browsing Internet, and I know I should spend less time with it. I love playing my instruments too. But not so much anymore. I love snuggling with my cats, though they don't really enjoy it as much as Oggy. I would love to go out and walk more, but the weather in Malaysia is just so hot. I should do it when the weather is cooler like after rain, or early in the morning. If I move to cooler countries I would walk a lot more, like I did in Japan, but I must wear good shoes. I sometimes buy things I don't need,...

This is Oggy, my baby. I am still grieving for her. Losing her is so painful, like losing the other part of me. I miss her so much, I can't even look at her photos.  I don't cry anymore because I am tired dealing with my feeling. The sadness is still there somewhere inside me, and at night I cry suddenly because everything reminds me of her.  And life doesn't get easier too. And I am too depressed to deal with it. So that's why I am starting this blog again, hoping for some kind souls to understand my inner dialogue that I wish I could express to anyone near but couldn't. So this is a new phase for this blog. And dear Oggy, I love you so much, this blog is for you.