katarasa

  Never thought I'd have a crush on a doctor I barely knew, except his full name. He's still in my mind. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me a bit happy. I keep repeating the times when I saw him at his clinic. And the cycle continues. No, I definitely have zero chance to have a romantic relationship with him. I definitely sure he's married with another doctor or maybe teacher. I am sure he has children too. I suck with this kind of thing. It's just an infatuation and obsession. He didn't do anything except consulted me. Our eyes locked, that's true. But nothing more. That's why I need to write this. To make myself realize and forget about whatever that I am feeling right now. Because I feel stuck and I need to free myself. Or maybe I should surrender. But I don't know how to surrender. Nothing makes sense. I keep trying to find meanings when it's nothing. It's just empty space. I'd love to think maybe he thinks about me, too. Bu...

  Today I painted my right nails red after so many months. They looked so pretty as I type this post. It's not perfect, but I think it looked good on me. Went to clinic this late morning for Covid test and to meet a doctor. My eye isn't healing, so that's the reason I went there. I once saw this doctor during my first visit. So today, it's the second time. He consulted me about this matter, I may need to see specialist if it doesn't heal. I don't know why I want to talk about this doctor. He is cute. Maybe it's a little crush. After all, it's been a while since I had the same feeling. However, it turned me into a sack of sadness later today. Blasting love songs, crying for no reason, feeling angry at small things. a fucking weirdo. At the moment, I just feel numb and tired. Am I stuck in desperation? I would love to say no but I can't lie to myself. I've been desperate since school, uni until now. I keep my cool so I won't embarrassed myself....

  As I looked into a picture of Norwegian houses, I wonder if the people living there have the best time of their lives, or they feel just the same as I living here in KL. I mean, their houses balconies faces the sea. My balcony faces other blocks. Would they feel bored? Maybe. But would they love their home? I think so. Who doesn't like living in such a beautiful place? The same goes with people who live in islands and tourist attractions. Do they feel bored, too? Guess need to live there to find out. I want to do that. Like in Eat, Pray, Love. Live in a foreign country for a while, then move or come back home. I want to live in Turkey like a month. Then come back, or move on to other countries, like Morocco for another month. Rent a small place, do my work from there and repeat. That would be the best life for me. I also was thinking about going to Saudi Arabia to learn Arabic. The thing that stops me is money. I no longer have full time job, I only do freelance nowadays and I ne...

  I wanted to go out today, but I didn't go out. I am so free and I have no work, yet I struggle to enjoy my time. My head feels dizzy after I woke up this morning, maybe because I was dehydrated. I stared at my closet, then I gave up. I open my laptop and scrolled thru youtube and I did not watch anything. I ended up watching a video about procrastination, but I did not listen until the end. And now it's only 11:33 a.m. Last night, I dreamt of R. It felt so weird. I felt the same way like when I saw him. But it's just a dream that makes me feel fucked up. Yesterday night, I watched The Village. I fell in love with the soundtrack, and turned out Hilary Hahn was the violinist for the music. And today I stared at my violin, thinking I should open and play it, but I did nothing. I wish everything weren't too hard.

  happy owl lol To be honest, I feel so fat right now. My knees hurt randomly. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. I don't know what to do. Maybe I really need to starve myself to lose weight. After I quit, life still hasn't slow down. I accepted translation job since my last week before resignation. I am still doing subtitles this week. I have no complaint, but yes, I feel a bit tired. I haven't told my family that I quit. I am scared to tell them. I don't want them to feel disappointed. I watched Maid on netflix recently and it somehow reminded me of my childhood. Many things happened in my childhood. I only remember the bad ones. Would I change anything during my childhood? Yes. Maybe most of it. I also would pursue music as early as I could.