Ramadan 1442 Hijrah

Today is the 1st Ramadan. There was quite a storm this evening and everything went chaos at the bazaar. The bazaar is allowed to open now after a year hiatus because of Covid 19.

To be honest I am quite sleepy now. My team had a meeting because one of us is leaving, so our manager seemed desperate to keep us from going, promising us for a permanent position, so on and so forth. I don't know. Or rather, I don't care.

Honest to God, I don't want to work there anymore. I don't want to work anywhere, anymore. My life is so lonely, my friends left me because they were laid off. Every day, I feel stressed about this.

Am I not grateful? There are so many people searching for jobs that are scarce these days.

Yet I have no motivation, I have no care in this world for my job. I have no interest in finding new job, maybe I am burnout, maybe I am tired and lonely. Maybe I need to change something, yet I don't know what, or how.

I have no motivation in life, no willpower, no excitement whatsoever. Nothing. Empty, blank. I see no future.

Not to mention random crying, too. God knows I need help, but where can I find it? Whom should I call?

Life is so tiring. After Oggy's death, it becomes difficult, a lot harder to breathe, like someone is choking me.

What a great start for Ramadan.

Comments

story of death and heaven

Hello dear Oggy, today I miss you again. It's been one month since you left. How is it there? I hope you're having a great time with many friends and tunas. Death is not easy for the living. We stay with the memories, sometimes we feel guilty, sometimes we feel blessed, sometimes we feel sad. No music or books can replace the warmth from the ones we loved. But that is the circle of life. Nothing lasts forever in this world. To be honest, I am not that sad. Just melancholic. There is no use thinking about the past if it makes you feel bad or sad. We live for the present. We should look forward for the future. The love we had won't disappear, it will stay in your heart forever. If we are lucky, if we did good in this life, we get to enter heaven and meet our loved ones again. I always imagine myself living with all my cats on a vast land in heaven. Undisturbed and happy.

dumbfounded

Today I painted my right nails red after so many months. They looked so pretty as I type this post. It's not perfect, but I think it looked good on me. Went to clinic this late morning for Covid test and to meet a doctor. My eye isn't healing, so that's the reason I went there. I once saw this doctor during my first visit. So today, it's the second time. He consulted me about this matter, I may need to see specialist if it doesn't heal. I don't know why I want to talk about this doctor. He is cute. Maybe it's a little crush. After all, it's been a while since I had the same feeling. However, it turned me into a sack of sadness later today. Blasting love songs, crying for no reason, feeling angry at small things. a fucking weirdo. At the moment, I just feel numb and tired. Am I stuck in desperation? I would love to say no but I can't lie to myself. I've been desperate since school, uni until now. I keep my cool so I won't embarrassed myself....

11:11 pm

I haven't done much for my Japan trip. I should find some infos about transportation, places we want to go, etc. etc. Instead I procrastinate, hahahhaa. I can't wait for this trip to be over. I feel so tired saving so much money every month, it's getting into my nerves. I can't even buy a high cut sneaker that I adored so much T.T I am excited, don't get me wrong. My childhood dream is coming true. So some sacrifices are needed. But January is moving toooooo slow. Oh, and I gained weight back. Scheisse. I need to start dieting again. Another form of torture. Dear God, why my life isn't perfect like others? And why I don't become a singer like Lady Gaga? Ok dah mengarut. Sweet dreams.

katarasa

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