katarasa

  Reading about love on reddit is heartbreaking. Some are encouraging, some are just sarcastic, most are pessimistic about finding love, just like me. I'm in my 30s and I feel terrible. I love being single, but when I found someone I liked, I wanted to be with him. I made up stories of our relationship in my head because truthfully, that's the only way I could do to suppress my feelings. Also, my life isn't like those stories in novels or chicken soup for the soul's books where miracles happened as you flipped on to the next page. I have accepted my fate, even though at times, I feel bitter about it. I would start to think what's wrong with me, I started comparing myself with others. Like I said, I never asked to be like this. None of us has. Then I feel angry, and then sadness, and then numb. Then maybe I start to feel good again. I am not perfect, but no one is perfect. I just want some piece of love, real love. Maybe just temporary, one or two days. That would be...

  Never thought I'd have a crush on a doctor I barely knew, except his full name. He's still in my mind. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me a bit happy. I keep repeating the times when I saw him at his clinic. And the cycle continues. No, I definitely have zero chance to have a romantic relationship with him. I definitely sure he's married with another doctor or maybe teacher. I am sure he has children too. I suck with this kind of thing. It's just an infatuation and obsession. He didn't do anything except consulted me. Our eyes locked, that's true. But nothing more. That's why I need to write this. To make myself realize and forget about whatever that I am feeling right now. Because I feel stuck and I need to free myself. Or maybe I should surrender. But I don't know how to surrender. Nothing makes sense. I keep trying to find meanings when it's nothing. It's just empty space. I'd love to think maybe he thinks about me, too. Bu...

  Today I painted my right nails red after so many months. They looked so pretty as I type this post. It's not perfect, but I think it looked good on me. Went to clinic this late morning for Covid test and to meet a doctor. My eye isn't healing, so that's the reason I went there. I once saw this doctor during my first visit. So today, it's the second time. He consulted me about this matter, I may need to see specialist if it doesn't heal. I don't know why I want to talk about this doctor. He is cute. Maybe it's a little crush. After all, it's been a while since I had the same feeling. However, it turned me into a sack of sadness later today. Blasting love songs, crying for no reason, feeling angry at small things. a fucking weirdo. At the moment, I just feel numb and tired. Am I stuck in desperation? I would love to say no but I can't lie to myself. I've been desperate since school, uni until now. I keep my cool so I won't embarrassed myself....

  As I looked into a picture of Norwegian houses, I wonder if the people living there have the best time of their lives, or they feel just the same as I living here in KL. I mean, their houses balconies faces the sea. My balcony faces other blocks. Would they feel bored? Maybe. But would they love their home? I think so. Who doesn't like living in such a beautiful place? The same goes with people who live in islands and tourist attractions. Do they feel bored, too? Guess need to live there to find out. I want to do that. Like in Eat, Pray, Love. Live in a foreign country for a while, then move or come back home. I want to live in Turkey like a month. Then come back, or move on to other countries, like Morocco for another month. Rent a small place, do my work from there and repeat. That would be the best life for me. I also was thinking about going to Saudi Arabia to learn Arabic. The thing that stops me is money. I no longer have full time job, I only do freelance nowadays and I ne...

  I wanted to go out today, but I didn't go out. I am so free and I have no work, yet I struggle to enjoy my time. My head feels dizzy after I woke up this morning, maybe because I was dehydrated. I stared at my closet, then I gave up. I open my laptop and scrolled thru youtube and I did not watch anything. I ended up watching a video about procrastination, but I did not listen until the end. And now it's only 11:33 a.m. Last night, I dreamt of R. It felt so weird. I felt the same way like when I saw him. But it's just a dream that makes me feel fucked up. Yesterday night, I watched The Village. I fell in love with the soundtrack, and turned out Hilary Hahn was the violinist for the music. And today I stared at my violin, thinking I should open and play it, but I did nothing. I wish everything weren't too hard.

  happy owl lol To be honest, I feel so fat right now. My knees hurt randomly. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. I don't know what to do. Maybe I really need to starve myself to lose weight. After I quit, life still hasn't slow down. I accepted translation job since my last week before resignation. I am still doing subtitles this week. I have no complaint, but yes, I feel a bit tired. I haven't told my family that I quit. I am scared to tell them. I don't want them to feel disappointed. I watched Maid on netflix recently and it somehow reminded me of my childhood. Many things happened in my childhood. I only remember the bad ones. Would I change anything during my childhood? Yes. Maybe most of it. I also would pursue music as early as I could.