katarasa

  I tried not to listen to sad songs and indulge in hatred on social media. The weather is so hot nowadays, my body sweats and my scalp itches. That's why I tried to avoid anything that makes me feel worse. Also I am regretting my decision to continue my contract. I am pretty lost right now. I stopped sketching, too. I feel fucking terrible about my work. At this moment I wish I could just drop the contract and disappear. I wish I could become hysterical so everyone could leave me alone. I don't know how much strength that I have. I just want an easy life. I am tired of this shit. I need some fucking luck. Where can I get one? How can I get away from all this?

It's been three days since I didn't update anything here. I found a new hobby. Well, not quite new. But somehow I started sketching again and I love it. It makes me forget about time. I still have a long way to be good, and maybe I stop in the middle because I get busy or simply lose interest. But I intend to make this a habit, maybe this is a way for me to start selling online. I am quite certain to hand in my resignation letter this month. I still have my doubt; I don't have new job, no one is calling me for interviews. I am waiting for the end of this month. I already have my letter, just need to change names and date. I don't want to think anymore. I have given myself more than 2 years and I feel worse. I still have my doubt because I don't have other source of income. I have freelance job but it's just few, not enough for me to pay my bills. But I know I always get help whenever I need it. I believe my prayer will be answered. I just need to be brave to acc...

  "I got nothing if I don't have you." -- Whitney Houston I love to think that whenever I remember someone without any reason, it means he or she is remembering me, too. Especially with the person whom I have a stronger emotional connection than others. So far, there is no evidence, but if you think, how do you prove the existence of your emotions and intuition? Tonight, I feel heavier. My mind goes toward this one special man whom I loved. I remember his face, his striking eyes that made my heart pounding like crazy. I loved his hair and his subtle cheeks hiding behind his serious expression. He is married and I moved on, but once in a while, he, or rather my memory of him just came into my mind. I wonder if he had the same thing too. I prayed for him in my sujood. I prayed for his happiness with his wife and family. I am content with myself and the memories of him. He made me feel so alive, so young, so excited, so sad, so angry, so numb, so nervous, so hurtful, so happ...

  Going back to work after more than a week having annual leave is miserable. Every time I take my leave, I always thought of doing something that I love, like practicing my violin, completing my paint-by-number painting that I still haven't started, go jogging outside in the evening, etc. etc. I was also thinking about quitting my job and not renewing my contract. I have been talking about this for a while and it's tiring me up. I am hoping the company would not renew my contract so I don't have to make up 101 reasons for my mom on why I have to quit my job. Nothing is certain, though. I am trying to stop negative thinking, y'know. I am trying to make my mind more open and positive, however it's easier said than done. I think I don't contribute anything towards my job, my resume sucks and no employer wants to at least call me for interview. I just want to do well. I just want to make myself feel proud. I don't hate my life, I just hope I know what to do to ...

  When I was in Form 1 in 1998, there was a program, a cooperation between Japan and Malaysian government where we exchange our students between these countries. So during this year, we welcomed Japanese students and teachers to our school. I still remember we all gathered at our assembly ground, we all were feeling excited about this event. There was no email, WhatsApp or even smartphones with cameras and Internet at that time. But it was joyous. There were some performances and speeches from the teachers and students. But, they did not stay too long. Shortly before noon, we bid them goodbye. Before they left, we went out from our classes, my friends and I rushed towards their way to shake their hands. I was (and still) obsessed with Japan, so this was a happy, memorable moments for me. Then, our teachers played this classic Japanese song, Ue wo Muite Narukou by Kyu Sakamoto. On that day, this song stuck in my head and after I discovered Internet after many years, I went searching...

  I am hungry and tired without reason. I avoid opening my Facebook and Instagram because everyone looks so happy with families and taking pictures together with their pretty clothes, while I sit here feeling numb and confused. Yes, not all people love Eid al-Fitr. I don't. One of the reasons why I want to leave this country. It's one of the most depressing days in a year. I feel awful because I feel this way. I do enjoy Eid at times when I have a good company and conversations, but most of the time I don't have these. I don't really eat, either. Most of the time I wish I were exactly like everyone else; had a happy family, had children and spouse, loved going to other people's houses and welcomed people to my house and get busy with a smile on my face. I bet my mother wishes all these, too. The saddest part is I don't know what to do. This cycle will repeat itself in the next years. This is why I want to leave so badly.

  I am in a dilemma right now. Should I sign up for the coding class? It's not cheap and I am not sure what would I make of it. Can I work with Google after that? Can that boost my resume? I don't know. It is also not easy and I am pretty slow. But it is something new and I like it. Tomorrow is Eidul Fitr for Muslims. But since the Covid case is on the rise, all activities, visits are not allowed, as far as I understand from the announcement. We are not allowed to cross state and districts, making this year a lot more boring. I miss travelling. I miss Oggy so much. My cats are hiding because of the firecrackers' sounds. I still can't figure out if I should sign up for the course. Yesterday I turned 36. That number looks so big. I am grateful, never thought I keep going until today. I tried new things recently, finding ways to get more income, freelancing, because I hope to quit my day job as soon as I can. I still have no idea how or when to quit, though. I feel like wa...

  May everyone who plays firecrackers at night rot in hell for the rest of their afterlife. Pathetic and rude, that's what they are. No brain nor common sense, fucking bastards . I hope they die a horrible death. This is one reason why I want to leave this country. No one cares here. No one gives a damn. I have been busy last week, that's why I haven't updated anything on this blog. Now fasting month is near to its end and Raya will be next week. My birthday too. I want to buy something for myself. But I don't know what should I buy. A watch? New clothes? Makeups? New violin? Air fryer? I also think about taking this one stray cat. But I need to discuss with my mom first. Although I think she will reject. But this cat loves coming here and I can't stand not feeding her. She is skinny and I think she has some issues with its fur. I dreamt of Oggy last week, too. I miss her and my dad very much. I also miss my old cats so much. I never forget them. I still feel guilty...