katarasa

  Am I not grateful when I want to quit my job? Am I taking things for granted? I talked about this before, no one wants to be ungrateful. So, no. It's wrong to think like that. Especially towards myself. I listened a lot about self-love. It is not easy.  Nomadland is a lovely movie. I fucking miss road trips, beaches, travelling, airports and flights.

  I would like to think I am lucky. Who wants to think otherwise? No one. No one wants to think their life is boring and uneventful. No one wants to think they have no luck in this world. No one wants to think they have no love, no life. It's our nature to feeling or inclining towards happiness. No one wants to feel terrible every day. So why or how we become miserable? Are we not grateful? What are the things that we missed? Is there anything that we did not see? Why are we so far from our natural state, why can't we find happiness and love? Why are we feeling sad, angry, confused, depressed? I am not sure why I am thinking about this. It is easy to blame oneself for what you feel inside. The same goes with all those ustaz and ustazah. Not enough praying, because you don't get up early morning for tahajud, because you are far from God, because of this and that. Don't they know how hard it is for people like me to continue living every day? Do they think this is what we...

  I feel unhappy. Maybe I am burnout. Maybe I am lonely and missing company. I am busy with work and my online course. I feel guilty for doing nothing because I need to finish my online course. It is a paid course and I am taking my sweet time, so I may lose my money paying it for further months if I don't finish the course quickly. I wish I knew where am I going. Can somebody tell me? Or am I just hungry? Or am I lacking sleep? I don't do things I enjoy anymore. Youtube has nothing new. Although I love travel vlogs, but somehow that makes me feel even worse and sad because I am here stuck in this house, not being able to go anywhere. To be continued.

  It's nice to think someone is waiting for me or if someone is searching for me like some kind of a random romantic drama. But I hate dramas like that and it is not real. I am too tired to think about my job and how much I hate it. I am tired of faking my happiness just because I have monthly salary to support my life and pay my loan. Everything is irritable and I cannot think why I should stay and not quit. I love white noise like rain sound, waves crashing the beach. I miss road trips, travelling so much. I don't know how long I can stay strong.

  The deeper problem that I am having now is control. Right now, I cannot control and solve the problems of my customers. Everything is managed by HQ team. Super slow and irritating. I feel like I have no control. I can't sleep because I cannot solve the problems the customers are having. I dream about this fucking problem. I wake up and think about this shit. This is why I want to quit. My current work is eating me up. But how can I quit? I cannot deal with this anymore. I miss playing music in a band, orchestra. That's what I wanted to be. Serious musician. Maybe playing in an amateur band, that would be enough for me. I am too old to take ABRSM, to study classical music, to go to university. There is a 5 year old somewhere that can even play Paganini, meanwhile my second position sucks. I was not born with choices and privileges. Used to be poor and had to ask my mom for some money to buy my cats' food. Now I have house loan. How am I going to finish paying the loan? I n...

  I have no soul to rant nowadays, even though there's a lot in my mind. Currently I am taking Google data analytics course. I don't know why or where am I going with this course. I am hoping this course will help me with having more freelance work or even a new job. I am suffocating with my current job, feel like I'd rather quit. Yes, I have not quitted yet. I blame myself for continuing my contract. I hope I'll quite before we all go back to office. Also, I am thinking about buying lavender plant for my house. but I am a terrible planter. My mom could help, because at least she has something to take care of, but I am not sure if she's interested. Flower plants can be fragile and Malaysian weather is tropical, which means hotter than your girlfriends. Other issue is my mom is bored and I don't know what to do. But I am bored too, so how can I help? I don't know. Maybe I should buy the plant for her.