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white smoke

 



Never thought I'd have a crush on a doctor I barely knew, except his full name. He's still in my mind. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it makes me a bit happy. I keep repeating the times when I saw him at his clinic. And the cycle continues.

No, I definitely have zero chance to have a romantic relationship with him. I definitely sure he's married with another doctor or maybe teacher. I am sure he has children too.

I suck with this kind of thing. It's just an infatuation and obsession. He didn't do anything except consulted me. Our eyes locked, that's true. But nothing more.

That's why I need to write this. To make myself realize and forget about whatever that I am feeling right now. Because I feel stuck and I need to free myself.

Or maybe I should surrender. But I don't know how to surrender. Nothing makes sense. I keep trying to find meanings when it's nothing. It's just empty space.

I'd love to think maybe he thinks about me, too. But honestly, it's merely a wish. Like a cloud wish. Like white smoke wish. 

The truth is, I am never that lucky. If I were that lucky, maybe because I wouldn't live long, maybe I'd had cancer. Or there were something wrong with me.

I would laugh at myself. To taste love before I die? I think God would laugh at me, too.

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