katarasa

I don't know. I miss you, though. But I can't even say it out loud.

Hello blog, it has been a while. I have a confession to make. I am not free from sins. I prayed for someone who is not even mine. I prayed to God to ease our meeting. He's not mine. I am sorry. If I could say sorry to him I'd say it.

I can't even top up my phone prepaid. And I don't know if I could survive until next Friday with my money. That's how broke I am right now. I feel sad though. And mad, sometimes. I'm feeling so down and I can't seem to keep up on being positive in this whole situation. And no one can help me. I don't know what is going to happen next. I keep thinking what wrong I've done. I keep blaming myself. Japan seems so far away, yet I only have 12 days before departing. I am not excited for it. And that is sad. Because I've been dreaming my whole life to go there. And I end up being like this. And I have no one to listen to this. My mom doesn't even want to talk to me.

I am not sure what time was it when I suddenly woke up from sleep in the middle of night. I think it was about 4 a.m. And I heard a voice, or rather something I had heard inside my head, saying, 'Let's get married.' I had no other faces I recalled or came to my mind at that very moment except him. I wanted to believe he said that to me in the middle of night in his dream or while he was awake when he was thinking about me. I just wish I'd hear him saying that in front of me and me saying 'Yes.' Sigh.

What do I want now? I just want to lie down with someone on my side, and tell stories and worries and cry and laugh again just someone to listen quietly and hold me dear as if my problems will go away that instant and I'll be a happy girl again And no other face I could think of now but you. Only You.

Who said I've forgotten this little page of mine? Actually, no one 😐 And yes, I am in financial trouble. I actually have to pay a big sum of money which sadly, I do not have right now. Was hoping mom's help, but well. We are not rich family. So, I have to think of something or someone else to provide help. To be honest, I am quite stuck because I see no way out of this situation. What a sad start of a new year. A year of big hopes and dreams. And I only have a month before departing for Japan. Sigh...

I haven't done much for my Japan trip. I should find some infos about transportation, places we want to go, etc. etc. Instead I procrastinate, hahahhaa. I can't wait for this trip to be over. I feel so tired saving so much money every month, it's getting into my nerves. I can't even buy a high cut sneaker that I adored so much T.T I am excited, don't get me wrong. My childhood dream is coming true. So some sacrifices are needed. But January is moving toooooo slow. Oh, and I gained weight back. Scheisse. I need to start dieting again. Another form of torture. Dear God, why my life isn't perfect like others? And why I don't become a singer like Lady Gaga? Ok dah mengarut. Sweet dreams.