overthink about healing

To be honest I don't really understand about healing.

Am I healed? How can I heal myself? Why am I still feeling awful? Is healing just a myth? Do I really need to go to therapy to heal? At some days I feel great, some days I feel terrible.

I had an idea just now. I always want to live alone and not bothered with anyone, I have no interest in taking care of people. The reason maybe is because I don't think people can take care of me. I think maybe people are not capable of dealing with me and my emotions.

And I don't mind that. I really hate being someone else's burden. However it is sad, too.

I live in my imagination a lot. In my mind, I live somewhere outside my country, in a beautiful small apartment with my cats, doing my work from home. I also have someone to take care of me, to kiss me and arguing with me. It's a beautiful place to stay, though it's not real.

I imagine a lot, so I don't think I am healed. It's my way to cope with my outer world that I live in. I don't know if other people do this too.

Or maybe, deep down I wish my life was different. Full of love and opportunities. Here, in this real world, I can only pray and hope.

Comments

story of death and heaven

Hello dear Oggy, today I miss you again. It's been one month since you left. How is it there? I hope you're having a great time with many friends and tunas. Death is not easy for the living. We stay with the memories, sometimes we feel guilty, sometimes we feel blessed, sometimes we feel sad. No music or books can replace the warmth from the ones we loved. But that is the circle of life. Nothing lasts forever in this world. To be honest, I am not that sad. Just melancholic. There is no use thinking about the past if it makes you feel bad or sad. We live for the present. We should look forward for the future. The love we had won't disappear, it will stay in your heart forever. If we are lucky, if we did good in this life, we get to enter heaven and meet our loved ones again. I always imagine myself living with all my cats on a vast land in heaven. Undisturbed and happy.

dumbfounded

Today I painted my right nails red after so many months. They looked so pretty as I type this post. It's not perfect, but I think it looked good on me. Went to clinic this late morning for Covid test and to meet a doctor. My eye isn't healing, so that's the reason I went there. I once saw this doctor during my first visit. So today, it's the second time. He consulted me about this matter, I may need to see specialist if it doesn't heal. I don't know why I want to talk about this doctor. He is cute. Maybe it's a little crush. After all, it's been a while since I had the same feeling. However, it turned me into a sack of sadness later today. Blasting love songs, crying for no reason, feeling angry at small things. a fucking weirdo. At the moment, I just feel numb and tired. Am I stuck in desperation? I would love to say no but I can't lie to myself. I've been desperate since school, uni until now. I keep my cool so I won't embarrassed myself....

11:11 pm

I haven't done much for my Japan trip. I should find some infos about transportation, places we want to go, etc. etc. Instead I procrastinate, hahahhaa. I can't wait for this trip to be over. I feel so tired saving so much money every month, it's getting into my nerves. I can't even buy a high cut sneaker that I adored so much T.T I am excited, don't get me wrong. My childhood dream is coming true. So some sacrifices are needed. But January is moving toooooo slow. Oh, and I gained weight back. Scheisse. I need to start dieting again. Another form of torture. Dear God, why my life isn't perfect like others? And why I don't become a singer like Lady Gaga? Ok dah mengarut. Sweet dreams.

katarasa

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